Giving up Smoking

I’d decided that I was giving up smoking on Friday last week.  It worked out that the last cigarette of my packet was smoked Friday morning with my first cuppa as I woke up for the day.

By Challiyil Eswaramangalath Vipin from Chalakudy, India (cigarette.. like a cigarette in the rain) [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

I started smoking when I was 13 or 14.  I gave up for four years around my late 20s and early 30s, then my marriage broke up.  I started to spend time with a great group of women - we’d have a few drinks every Thursday night and most of them smoked.  They did keep telling me not to buy my own smokes, just to smoke theirs while we were drinking.  By the second night, I was really uncomfortable with this.  I remember buying my first packet.  I sat and stared at the small, white, cellophane wrapped, unopened box for about 15 minutes wondering what I’d done.  It was one thing to have the odd smoke and another to buy 20 of them in one go.  It was a huge turning point and I didn’t really know how I felt about it.  This small inoffensive seeming handful was so heavy and symbolic of so many other things.

When I wrote my book, I made a bargain with my Gods that included me giving up smoking.  It was to be my sacrifice.  Then I couldn’t make myself do it.  I was afraid, I made excuses and I had my world ripped apart around me.  Several times I’ve had friends comment that they don’t know how I stayed sane coping with some of the events of the last year.  Several times, I made the decision to give up.  This was to be my last cigarette.  Then my son attempted suicide.  Yeah, I bought smokes on my way into the hospital following the ambulance.  That was never going to last in those circumstances.

Twice I managed to go 8 days with no problems.  I didn’t tell anyone until I’d gotten to a week.  I didn’t want to hear everyone’s advice, expectations or even how proud of me they are.  I’m sure they all mean well, but I find it… actually, I don’t know how I find it, I just know I don’t like it much and it annoys me for some reason.  It annoys me just as much when people are being understanding about how I tripped up with it now and then - I would react (inside) in just the same way as I did when I was being judged for being weak. With those two bouts of 8 days, I had stresses, I had situations where someone hurt me very badly and I wanted to hurt him physically as if that would fix it.  I heard the lies that person told to try and gain sympathy from others and justify what they’d done.  So many times, I didn’t want a whole cigarette, I just wanted a puff.  If I happened to get a puff I was all good and didn’t want a smoke anymore.  But that wasn’t always possible.  I bought a small packet and hid it.  I could get a puff now and then when I needed it, but could still pretend I wasn’t smoking.

The problem with having a pack is that the pack is like a commitment.  There are 20 or 25 or 30 smokes there that need consuming.  They call out to you, you are always aware that this little packet is there and maybe, once you’ve finished them all and you’re free of this little pack, you’ll be okay to start over.  To be smokefree.

The odd thing was there was not a physical need for a smoke.  It was all the crap in my head.  I would catch myself justifying buying a pack of 20s to myself and even trying to plan how I’d hide it.  No, I would tell myself firmly, I don’t do that anymore.  But I’d still find I was scheming, it would be quieter this time, almost so that I couldn’t hear myself doing it.  It’s okay, with what you’ve been through lately, no one would blame you, I’d hear inside my head.

I listened to other people talking about their final triggers to give up.  One guy said he suddenly realised that he doesn’t enjoy smoking, it costs him money he can’t afford and that was his thing.  He looked at his pack and said “Fuck you, get out of my life.” And that was that for him.   Another friend was having a throat cancer scare.  Someone else had just realised a gym membership cost the same each week and made the decision to do that instead.

For me, it was the promised sacrifice but also the money.  My car needs about $500 spent on it for a wof and that’s $500 we don’t currently have to spare.  I’ve been trying to compare smoking to eating chocolate.  Yes there are times that I crave chocolate, but if I have none in the house, I’m hardly going to drive 10kms (my nearest shop) to get a chocolate bar.  So Friday morning it was to be.

I was to have a fairly busy morning which I thought would be a good thing.  There was a woman coming to pick up a bull I had borrowed and once he was off and away, I had two appointments to make.  Keeping busy should keep me sufficiently occupied to cope with not smoking, or so I thought.

Without going into too many details, it was a catastrophe.  Almost everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong - up to and including the bull being in very real danger of dying - he jumped halfway over the bar across the front of the float and got himself stuck with a lot of pressure on his heart.

Once all had been sorted and he’d made his way to his next port of call, I was physically, mentally and emotionally wrung out.  I wanted a drink and it was only 10am!  I bought a packet of smokes and gave myself until Monday.  In my head, I was telling myself off for making excuses and giving in too easily, but also telling myself it was better than hitting the vodka on a Friday morning.

Monday, again, I had one cigarette left and that was gone by 6:45am.

I spent half the day kinda wandering around feeling like I’d forgotten or was missing something.  I was fidgety, like I had an itch that would be impolite to scratch in company.  It dominated my thoughts for most of the day.

For the most part, I thought it went okay.

But I was amazed though at how everyone else suddenly became a perfect angel.  Their behaviour was totally beyond reproach.  I was obviously just cranky because I was giving up smoking.  It was all my bad attitude that was the problem.

I saw this type of thing when I was pregnant and again when my first marriage broke up.  I couldn’t possibly be telling someone off because they’d deserved it - it had to be hormones and stress on my part.  Roll your eyes and pity that woman who is clearly not coping.

I stopped speaking in the end.  My dearest darling hubby had bitched and moaned and picked holes in everything I said.  I couldn’t say anything right, I was snarled at and spoken down to - but you see, it was all me, I’m just grumpy because I’m giving up smoking.  That sounds so much worse than it really was.  He was in a mood and was cranky, but he didn’t pick on me all night.

Tuesday.  Second day.  I thought my first one of the morning would be the hardest one to miss.  I think it was more the one when I get back from the school run.

Today I ate.  I snacked, I picked, I “tasted” dinner while I was cooking it so much that I was so full I actually felt sick before I’d even sat down to eat my dinner.  I wasn’t actually hungry, I wanted to taste something.  I still ate my dinner.

I needed to empty the ashtrays today.  I was starting to eye up some of the bigger butts.  They were looking good even though they suddenly smell really strong and really foul.

In other words, I’ve noticed a huge difference to my sense of smell, already.

Wednesday.  Third day.  I didn’t sleep very well last night.  I’m coughing more than I did when I was still smoking (can I say that yet?  It’s been three days), but I’m still feeling overfull and somewhat sick from eating far far too much yesterday and last night.  I think I’ll be drinking a lot of water today and not consuming much else.

I know that the biggest thing, well, one of the biggest things for me is habit.  I noticed yesterday though, I felt as though I’d been busy for half the morning.  I’d gotten plenty done, it must have been around 11am, I thought.  Then I heard the letterbox bang shut and the postie drive away.  I checked the time, it was quarter past nine.  I’d gotten all of this done in an hour or less?  Right, time for a break and a … snack.  It’s partially the habit and partially a reward I’d give myself for getting some stuff done.  It’s something to do with my hands when I’m on the phone.  It used to be my little piece of time out.  When you have an Aspie/ASD child, having the space to take even 5 mins for yourself some days is a rarity.  The toilet/bathroom doesn’t always work, I’ve been followed into that several times. It got worse once he hit his mid-teens and started smoking.  I didn’t have that escape, he’d come with me for a smoke.

There is also a lot of fear.  Fear of gaining a lot of weight when I already have cholesterol issues.  Look at the way I ate yesterday, that was only my second day!  Fear of getting sick.  See, I’ve done this a few times now.  I know that getting rather ill a short time after giving up smoking is completely normal.  Smoking kills off some of your immune system, but at the same time, it replaces it and works in the same way.  When I gave up for that four years, I sniffed and snuffled as though I had hayfever for two full years.  I had a constant slightly runny nose that whole time. 

There’s another fear, but it’s tied to stop-smoking medication.  My parents used one very highly recommended form after Dad had a heart attack.  It worked very well, my mother used to be bad for keeping a hidden pack, or coming to visit and having one of mine.  This time there was none of that - much to Dad’s surprise.  Unfortunately, since taking this medication, Mum’s short term memory has become somewhat patchy and unreliable.  It may not be connected, it may just be a fluke of timing.  I heard a suggestion that there was a rare link between this medication and messing up memory, but I haven’t heard it formally and don’t do the chinese whisper thing (which is why I’m also not naming the meds).  But what if?  I’m going to do this on my own because it’s a sacrifice, it’s supposed to be hard - that’s part of the point.  I’m afraid of the medication in case I’m suddenly the person who asks the same question 5 times in a half hour phone call, in case I’m suddenly forgetting birthdays and getting confused about plans for later on this afternoon.  I don’t want to be the person that others are suggesting should be in a home when I’m clearly far too young for that and quite frankly, still functioning fine in everything else.

There are a lot of jobs that need doing.  Many of them are away from the house down in the paddocks.  I think that might be where I spend a large portion of today.  I have fences to secure to stop the sheep from going under and through and into paddocks where I don’t want them to be.  I have trees to plant, trees to prune and trees to move.  I have rocks to shift, a garden that needs work, cattle that need separating for the homekill this weekend.  I also have another book to work on, research to complete, sources to find, taxes to do, a calendar to finish, half-written blog posts to tidy and post (more than one blog).  I have plenty to keep me occupied.

Wish me luck!

Blessings!

Speaking Ill of the Dead

In a recent discussion about old traditions, this one came up.  It came up specifically to have a crack at me because I’d dared to say that someone recently deceased “could be a twat at times”.  I’m sure, if you didn’t already see it, you can imagine the shock and disgust this has raised - but has left me rather baffled on many levels.  And not just because of the primary school tale-telling shit-stir way it was raised and treated.

You see, I never heard this expression until my late teens.  Both my grandmothers were absolute bounties of superstitions and folk traditions, but I first heard this from a friend’s mother and my response at the time was “why on earth not?”

I have never been able to stomach those people who can’t stand someone when they’re alive but turn them into a saint on their passing.  I’ve ended a friendship with a young lady who barely tolerated her partner, they fought (sometimes with physical violence) and she frequently ran him down - all while he was alive.  After his suicide, even up to a year afterwards (which was roughly when I broke contact), it was true love and she just couldn’t possibly carry on living without him.

The people since that I’ve heard it from usually say it as they say something unkind about someone who has passed.  “Shouldn’t speak ill of the dead but…”  Is that better somehow?  I’ve understood it to be similar to those who say “I don’t want to complain but…”  I’m reminded of a line from Game of Thrones:  “Anything that anyone says before the word ‘but’ is to be ignored.”

I’ve always treated the dead the same as I treat the living.  This isn’t news.  This is the best way to deal with ghosts and spirits.  Any half-decent psychic will tell you that.  Why should this suddenly change?

I also struggled with how describing someone’s behaviour counts as Speaking Ill of Them.  I didn’t say anything that was untrue from my perspective, I didn’t even say anything remotely nasty.  It was described as “extremely disparaging” and “an epithet”.  I still maintain that was for dramatic effect from the people running around, telling on me and trying to create drama.

In my bafflement, I went to several people I knew who have a good solid grounding and knowledge of the same folk traditions as the people expressing their shock and horror at my statement.  I spoke to them about this ‘tradition’, I asked questions and explained what had happened and my confusion.

In all cases, I was told that you continue to speak to them as you did in life.  That you speak to and of them as if they were right next to you.  Which is exactly what I did.

So all of this has left me even more baffled.  I followed folk tradition to the letter - albeit unknowingly - because this is what I believe in.  Do those who claim to follow folk tradition have less of a grasp of it? Or has it changed with more politically correct times?

The chap in question is more than welcome to come and speak to me about it.  I have no issues regarding communicating with the deceased, but he hasn’t so far and I’m sure he’s aware of it. 

Blessings

Debbie

Cauldrons 2014 PaganFest

Another PaganFest has come and gone and a good time was had by all.

Our few minor venue issues were sorted, Luana made it after all (with a little help) and everything went smoothly.

Big thanks to everyone who came along - especially our rather large North Island contingent.

Big thanks to Houngan Liam, Houngan Alistair and all the rest of the crew from Kiwi Mojo.  We really appreciated the time, effort and money you put into just getting there.  The ritual was phenomenal and it was nice to genuinely meet the Lwa who put in an appearance - as well as being something I will never forget.

Big thanks to Gavin the Druid for the lovely opening ceremony and Sunday night ritual.  And for being part of our 'tribe', all the way down here, a long way from where he actually lives.

Many big thanks to Dobby, and Mr Dobby and little Miss Dobby.  Just for being them.

It was our first drama free PaganFest.  No big egos stomping on others and no drama queens causing situations.  It was quite refreshing and something that I'm hoping will continue in future events.

That said, it is already getting back to me that there were issues.  I haven't found the source of these rumours and trouble-making yet, but let me assure you, they're simply the products of someone's imagination and need for drama.

Here's to another one next year!

Blessings

Debbie

PS.  Normally, when we ask for donations for a charity, there are small bits and bobs.  The donations that came in for the animals have left us humbled.  Big bags of expensive cat and dog biscuits.  Large boxes of kitten food.  Even from those who were day visitors.  A huge thank you to all who contributed.

Book Studies in Beginners' Groups

I was invited to join a Beginners’ Group on Facebook.  I did so, partly out of curiosity.  It (so far) seems like a sensible group, it’s not filled with pointless memes and the love, light and unicorn farts that so many manage to nauseate me with (not to mention give actual beginners the totally wrong idea).

A book study was raised, with a request for suggestions about which book should be studied.  I said I was being cheeky, but could I suggest mine?  It was passed over for Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner by Scott Cunningham.  The main reason, it was a book that most of us (who weren’t beginners) already owned.

Now, let me make this clear right from the start, I’m not in the least bit offended, I understand the reason for this and this book is one of the most recommended books for beginners.

BUT.

It very quickly became clear, reading through the discussions, that most people had issues with the material.  Some of it quite historical and things that had been building up to rant level just waiting for an outlet for several years.

You see, while I was being cheeky and surreptitiously trying to promote my book (apparently something I don’t do nearly enough of) I also believe that this kind of book study would work best if everyone is somewhat unfamiliar with the material presented.  Make it a level playing field if you like.

When there is a book like Cunningham’s, every one has heard someone else rave over the bits they like, rant about the bits they hate, or just comment that it’s a bit lacking.  The popular opinions as to the worthiness or lack thereof are so well known that I find myself wondering if all of the people commenting are actually commenting on what they found worthy, lacking or thought-provoking or if they’re mindlessly regurgitating other people’s thoughts.

Most people seem to be so worried about the good opinions of random strangers over the internet that they won’t speak out against the flow of ‘popular’ opinion.  Want to test that theory?  Try saying that you’ve found any value in something (anything - even her fiction) written by Silver RavenWolf!

I haven’t bothered to participate in this book study, partly because I had too many other commitments - PaganFest took up most of my time when this book study was beginning - and because I’ve reviewed this book elsewhere already.  I also feel this book has been done to death. 

Now if someone wanted to do a book study on my book, something new and unfamiliar to most people, I’d be rapt.  I’d also be glad to be invited to answer or discuss any criticisms, I promise I won’t get stroppy, the main message of my book is to think for yourself not to become a mindless follower of my philosophies.

Blessings

Debbie

Misused Words

There have been a number of pictures and memes doing the rounds lately that point out commonly misused words or phrases in the English language.

So far, I'd have to say this is my personal favourite:

 

Now, at some stage or another, I'm sure most of us have been guilty of using some words wrongly.  Sometimes it could simply be a case of you've never seen it written down and are going completely by ear.

And sometimes it's just that maybe you didn't pay enough attention in school.

With kids, we're constantly correcting them on their words and while they may get frustrated, we usually manage to stop them saying things like "catched the ball" or "buyed it from the shops".  Our teens we work on the over used words that lose all meaning - "Like, actually, I mean, you know?"

Sometimes with adults it can be a little harder.  But generally, intelligent adults will look it up, feel embarrassed and make a point of not misusing that word in future.  "To be pacific, if it's any constellation to you..."

Why is it so different in spiritual circles?

There are a number of Hindi words that are commonly misused and I know there is no way to change it - that horse has well and truly bolted.  But when I have found myself educated on what the word (and underlying concept) really means, I have made a point of not misusing that word (or concept) any further.  Isn't that the right thing to do?  I don't see the sense in continuing to use it to mean something different "Just because everyone understands what I mean."

Karma.  Most commonly used to mean do bad things and bad things will happen to you.  Sometimes used to mean much the same thing but do bad things in this life and your next life will be crappy.  It turns out that both are somewhat incorrect.

A chap in several groups I frequent was raised Hindi, this is a bugbear of his.  He tirelessly explains (over and over) that it's not that at all.  Karma is tied to Samsara which is a purely Hindi concept.  If you're not Hindu, you don't have Samsara and therefore no Karma.  To break it down even further, it may be your Karma to be a shit in this life, there are lessons for your soul to learn by being a shit.  You might think (as many do) that by not being a shit and doing good things you are earning good karma but this is not the case.  You'd be going against your karma and therefore it would in fact be bad karma.

I really wish I'd saved one of his patient and polite rants to share it verbatim here.

Devas is another misunderstood term.  Deva means 'deity' - the feminine is Devi which means Goddess.  (And a source of amusement for me when my Indian friends couldn't pronounce the 'b' in Debbie and ended up calling me Devi).  This is the root from which Divine, Deity and similar meaning words in many European languages has come from.

In the Vedas and the Upanishads, there are 33 Devas mentioned.  Some are personifications (or deified personifications) of forces of nature and some are (deified) personifications of moral values.  The Vasus are the forces of nature - they are or represent; Earth, Hot Fire, Wind, Space, Eternal, Moon, Sky and Stars.

Somehow in modern usage, deva has come to mean the spirits of the land and plants around you.  I've read of this in books and heard it said (although not that commonly).

Again though, when the error is pointed out the response is "it's a widely used term known to mean this".

At what point does this sort of thing become okay?  If you know a word is incorrect, why would you continue to use it?  Am I a prat for pointing it out or are you the prat for knowingly misusing a word?

Blessings

Debbie

Announcing The Common Sense Spell Book

My book has been published and is available from a number of places.  Shortly, it will be available from Cauldrons - when I get in the copies I had to buy that is - and I will even autograph them if that's what people want :)

It's been an interesting process.  Actually writing the book didn't take very long.  I was inspired and it all flowed from there.  Then I spent several months re-reading, editing, adding snark and removing it again, adding fluff and removing it again, getting excited, getting arrogant, getting depressed and doing my own head in.

Then I sent it to Luana for proof-reading.  It took a while.  I know she was busy and was doing it as a favour but that just about drove me crazy.  I would frequently be thinking that it must have been such total rubbish that she was having to totally rewrite it and was maybe procrastinating because it was so awful or she was dreading telling me how bad it was.  Yes, I am my own worst enemy.

The edits really weren't that bad.  There was some rearranging to do and that was fine, I hadn't really given a lot of thought to the structure.  Some of it was Luana still getting my message across but in a far less brutal way than I'd said it.  Let's face it, I'm generally pretty blunt when I write.  There were also a few things that I'd worded quite vaguely and badly and they needed to be clearer.

But now it's out there and I'm equal parts excited and terrified.  I haven't yet had my first review (although part of the marketing package I've paid for includes several reviews from critics of my choice).  I now have my author's copy and it's strange seeing it all together in actual print.  I'm excited because it's out there.  I'm terrified because it's out there and part of me just wants everyone to love it.  I know that's unrealistic.  I know that I'll ruffle more than a few feathers with my treatment of ethics and witchcraft and that's one of the reasons I thought this book was needed.

It's available from Amazon and Book Depository and the Xlibris website.  I've found it on a few others too, but for me the other most note worthy was on Scribd where it has a preview and is the only place I've found it available as an ebook so far.

I'm open to any reviews.  If it's terrible, tell me and tell me why.  If you like some of it but hate other parts, tell me and tell me why you didn't like those bits.  If you love it, tell me that too.

Blessings

Debbie

Hallowe'en Time Again

*Sigh*

It's Hallowe'en again, with all it's related dramas.  We have Southern Hemisphere Pagans saying it's not Hallowe'en because it's Beltaine.

Well, no, that's not actually true.  Hallowe'en is a Catholic/Christian vigil for the night before All Saints Day.  It's Hallowe'en on October 31st regardless of where in the world you are, it's just not Samhain for us on that date.

Then there are the Pagans who find traditional, historically correct depictions of witches offensive and use Hallowe'en as their soapbox to bleat about it. Let's get real for a moment.  Before the 1950s, when Gardner redefined it, witchcraft meant malicious folk magic.  The cunning folk of the past thousand years that we're trying to reconstruct or emulate would have been horrified at being referred to as "witches".  Many of the spells I've been reading in old books are protection against witchcraft.  Please note - not protection against bad witchcraft, or against evil witchcraft or against black, malicious, malevolent or anything else witchcraft - just protection against witchcraft.

Just because one group have chosen to use a word does not automatically give them the right to redefine it for everyone else or for the rest of history.  It is not religious discrimination or bigotry to depict or define witches as evil, ugly old hags - it's the correct traditional meaning.

Then there is this kind of rubbish - while yes, most of the principles are sound, I'm still struggling with the whole dictating what treats are suitable to give to random children coming to your door.  But I also have issues with this asshattery again while agreeing in principle.

To be honest, I struggle with the whole Trick or Treat thing at Hallowe'en anyway.  Maybe it's because here in New Zealand it's only just starting to be done.  In my 40 years I've seen two trick or treaters come to my door - ever.

My issues are that we spend the entire year teaching our children not to take sweets from strangers, but on that one night, we're supposed to totally contradict ourselves and send them out to demand it?

And then if you don't like what you get for your demands it's okay to commit acts of vandalism?

I find this a bit of an issue.  Maybe it's because I'm the mother of a child on the autism spectrum - I can't have "sometimes" rules.  The rule is either this or it's that.  If there is one loophole then the rule is invalid.  I don't think this kind of consistency is a bad thing for any parent - regardless of whether or not your child is autistic in any way.

I've read the Celtic history and some that were worse than that too.  I know the practical history.  This was the last night of hijinks before Winter had you closed up indoors.  If all of your food for the coming winter wasn't prepared and stored properly (or if you hadn't saved enough) there was a high chance you'd die before spring.

Given that these are no longer issues in our society, is it still a relevant thing to celebrate? 

Given that I've been hearing stories about poisoned or drugged "treats" being handed out by sickos for the last 20 years, is it a safe thing to celebrate?  Even with parental supervision.

Given that we're constantly complaining about the sense of entitlement youth seem to have, that kids today have no manners or respect for anything, why would we encourage it even once a year?

Either way

Happy Hallowe'en :p