I've found within the Pagan and Magical community a tendency for self-aggrandisement. This isn't a new thing, not by any stretch. There have always been the people who are so uber powerful and so much more special than everyone else.
But the one I've noticed the most lately is taking credit for other people's misfortune, or taking credit for surprise or miraculous major events.
As examples, one chap took credit for a storm changing it's predicted path and turning away from a major city, another claimed they'd caused a huge cluster of destructive earthquakes. Another has taken credit for one man's death and another's misfortune.
There was a guy a few years ago (I think I mentioned him in another blog) who rang me to tell me he'd changed the weather so that I had sunshine for a party and was seriously expecting me to thank him. Even though the weather was completely seasonal and fit what had been forecast.
There is also the mass curse of Daesh a year or so ago, it was a public event and because Russia did a bombing run a week or two after the curse, success was claimed.
I've recently had a bad run. I know the causes, they were rooted in choices made years ago and actions taken or not taken way back then. It's not my personal misfortune, it's extremely bad health in someone very dear to me and while it's partially their own fault and partially genetics, it's still very distressing for me.
I find myself reluctant to talk about it though. In many of the places where I would normally be asking for support and would normally get it, I find it difficult to raise. This has hit me on a personal level and I realise that my struggle to ask for support is rooted in fear. I don't want to have it come back to me that anyone I might have upset or offended over the past few years is taking credit for this. And word of that will come back to me, it always does - just because I don't react publicly or obviously doesn't mean I don't know.
I think if I was to hear of someone bragging about how they caused this to happen, I would lose my shit on a spectacular scale. All of the rages and tantrums I've ever had combined could not equal the reaction I would expect to have. I would, in the end, be most likely facing some serious jail time and the loss of everything I hold dear. And I would feel my wrath was justified.
So I don't talk about it with anyone outside of my close inner circle. And it sucks.
I also find myself angry that my fear of other people's narcissistic behaviour and my potential reaction to it holds me back and prevents me from asking for what I need. I am angry mostly at myself for buying into this shit, for letting it get to me before it happens and for overthinking myself into expecting it to happen. It might not, although there are people in my wider circle who have done this sort of thing repeatedly so not being prepared for it would be equally foolish. So I am also pre-emptively angry at the people who have done this in the past who may or may not try it with me this time. Even though right now, I haven't given them the opportunity to be good people to me, I feel as though I'm punishing them (to some extent) because of what they might do.
And that sucks.
I find it a challenging and painful thing to talk about anyway. I often cry when I am talking about it with the few I do trust enough to talk to. I hate showing any weakness, I hate not being strong enough to cope with this. I'm everyone's rock, I'm always okay, I'm not okay with not being okay. I don't do vulnerability when anyone else can see, it's a secret and private thing that I am always a little ashamed of and embarrassed about. Yes I've been lectured about it and I know that's not healthy and I am working on it.
And that sucks some more.
I sometimes wonder if this is part of the Keep Silent part of the pyramid/cornerstones/all sorts of different names depending on who you're talking to. Even if you believe your magic caused this result, claiming it publicly makes you a wanker. Save yourself the ridicule. Especially if it's equally likely that it was nothing at all to do with you.