Random Spring Musings

Another Body Mind Spirit Festival is over.  As always, I'm left with things to mull over.

Some things have come from the festival and some have come from other things going on in my life right now.

As always, I love to meet the people who read this blog and follow our internet presence.  I love it when those people come up to me and tell me that they liked my post on this or that, or that they bought a Kyphi incense from us through Trade Me and absolutely love it.

I'm always a little surprised by this and I do feel a little weird. When I am writing, I'm sitting at my computer, in my home in the lovely North Canterbury rural countryside.  I have no real idea of audience.  There are all the masses of "internet people" that I'm in contact with.  Some I don't think I'll ever get the opportunity to meet face to face but I still have a relationship with. There are my friends who read, comment (although usually they comment on the links I put up on facebook) and sometimes we chat about my posts over the phone.  But mostly, when I'm writing, I feel as though I'm talking to myself in a thinking aloud kind of way.

So it is a bit weird when someone I've never met before tells me that they were looking forward to meeting me because they follow my stuff.  It's also a little weird when someone that I've gotten to know through Coffee Meets and Festivals asks about how things are going in relation to things they've read in this and my other blog.

It's weird in a good way, but still a bit weird for me.  Sometimes I consider the impact of my words but a lot of the time I really don't.  This was brought home to me when I did a reading for someone I'd read for a year earlier.  She said "I was thinking recently about what you said last time". Well bugger.  That messed with my head for a while.  I talk a lot.  I try to explain and illustrate some of the points I'm trying to make in a reading.  It hadn't occurred to me that the person I'm reading for might take away the things I say and be still pondering them a year later.  That feels like a weight of responsibility in an aspect that I hadn't considered.

The task I believe the Gods have set before me is to make people think for themselves and question everything.  That includes everything I write which leads to the next thing I'm musing about.

My book.

I've gotten Luana's edits back.  I've reviewed them and made some changes and there are some we need to discuss.  The publisher tells me I can have it in time for Christmas if I can get it to them by the end of the month.

I spent a few months staring at my manuscript, making the odd tweak here and there, having a few down moments where I believed it all to be shallow and naive and a few arrogant moments where I insulted anyone who was going to read the book.  I couldn't think of anything to add that needed saying or that would be of value to the overall book.

Until I sent it to Luana.  In the last couple of weeks before she sent it back, I thought of several very salient points that I'd missed.  One I'd always intended to include but somehow had missed it completely and then missed that I missed it.  Others were things I should have thought of, but just didn't.

This makes me nervous about what else I may have forgotten that I'll only think of once it's published.

I'm also part of a group that fights Pagan Plagiarism and Copyright theft.  Recently, one of our members stumbled across a group that had over 400 books for download in their file section.  Every single one was still under copyright.  That this was blatantly illegal and harming the authors was raised with the group.  There were excuses made of "I got all of these as public domain, so it's okay" and "I'm just trying to help people and make things easier" and "so a library is wrong too then?"  Then it turned nasty.

If you aren't sure what constitutes Copyright theft, piracy or fair use; Fyre Lyte Rioter made an excellent blog post explaining it all here.  And it's worth reading through the comments, there is a wealth of links and information as well as common objections too.

In despair, many authors and publishing firms were contacted.  Suddenly group membership swelled with the addition of a lot of well-known Pagan authors.  All of whom explained (patiently to begin with) that this was illegal, these files must be removed or legal action will follow.  Then it got really nasty.  A pirate site was named with the comment "why bother, you can get all of this from here". (I am deliberately NOT naming the site btw).

I went to have a look at this pirate site.  I saw the brag page about all the legal threats they've received, including the copies of all of the cease and desist letters and legal correspondence.  These threats came from Microsoft, Disney and Warner Bros to name just a few.  This site also brags that they have removed 0 torrents and will remove 0 torrents - regardless of the threats.

So I agonised over whether I wanted to expose myself to that kind of thing.  I know I'll never be rich from writing books but to have a little to make it okay for me not to have a 'real job' and not put so much pressure on my husband would be ideal.  If that little is being sucked up because someone can download it for free (and believe that they're doing nothing wrong) where would that leave me?

There is also a feeling of naked vulnerability with publishing.  I write all sorts of things here but I can edit or delete them.  I can refine the post if there's something I've missed or something that is too offensive.  I can tidy up little mistakes, I can make it easier to understand a point that was vague.

I can't do that with a book.  Once it's out there, it's out there.  I can't recall the copies to fix or reword something and I can't remove a chapter that may get taken the wrong way and expose me to abuse.

I want it out there, but I'm feeling a bit afraid too. This is one of my "feel the fear and do it anyway" moments.

The last thing I'm going to ponder out loud here is PaganFest.

As many of you know, we're holding our 'annual' PaganFest in January.  I handed out plenty of fliers to people over the weekend.  My wonderful helpers popped them in bags with sales too.  We all talked to stall holders, to interested people and to anyone who'd listen about PaganFest.

Many people were keen and said they'd be there or they'd try to make it.  Sounds wonderful.  Except this happens every time.  Everyone is really keen when they hear about it.  Everyone tells us that they'll be there, that they can't wait and that this is the kind of thing they'd been wanting to see in our region.  Somehow, that ends up being maybe two new people each time.

There are people who run it down - stuff gets back to me you know.  Of the four people running it down that I can think of off the top of my head:

• One has never been to anything we've run.  Ever.  In fact, I held the first ever conversation I've had with this person yesterday.  I've heard plenty of what they've said about me though.
• One has been to one PaganFest.  The people associated with that person expected us to bend over backwards for them, mucked us around, insulted most of the other attendees and have the cheek to bitch about it afterwards.
• One attended one PaganFest (a different one).  I think she expected to be treated as a celebrity but she took drugs, made a total fool of herself and insulted not only us loudly and repeatedly throughout, but everyone else attending.  And then started shit-stirring and trying to cause trouble afterwards when most people saw through her tragic and pathetic little empire building attempts and games.
• The last became the Festival's pariah at the one PaganFest he attended.  His understanding of social etiquettes was a bit lacking, but his ritual etiquette was non-existent. 

This all reminds me of when I first started to run coffee meets.  I tried Meetup.com, but didn't like the way it worked and then began to run them under the NZ Pagan Centre.  The first coffee meet consisted entirely of myself and four friends in the corner of an empty pub.  The second coffee meet was attended by a local Pagan Shop owner.  She came along because she'd been told that all we did was sit around and backbite everyone else in the community and wanted to sort us out.  Given that the only attendees to the only previous one had been friends, there'd been no chance of eavesdroppers and we ended up making plans for an open sabbat and talking about what our kids had been up to, I was rather baffled and at the time horrified as to how she'd heard what she did.  It was like being in High School again.  Unfounded rumours and needless trouble making.  I'm saddened that adults and alleged Elders are still capable of this kind of behaviour.

We would love to see more people come to our PaganFest but don't want anyone to feel pressured.  Please don't tell me you'll be there if you have no intention of going.  It's your loss, not mine and saying what you think you should say to make me feel better just doesn't work with me.

If you hear stuff about it, check with us.  I can put you in contact with people who have attended every single one and are brutally honest about our failings and our successes.

Blessings

Debbie

Cauldrons 2013 Yule Calendar and Other Stuff

This years Yule Calendar is finally done and at the printers, in time for Imbolg, only a Sabbat late.  There have been many dramas and hold ups and I swear something happens every year at Calendar time, but except for when the earthquakes happened and we decided to make it a Yule calendar, it’s never been quite this late before.

I don’t want to sound as though I’m making excuses, but please let me explain the lateness this time.  And be aware from the start, this is a blog post that will go into some darker aspects of my life lately.  I don't need sympathy, or understanding or anything.  I just need to be able to put this out there for anyone else who may go through the same thing.

Last year, we began work on a companion diary for the calendar but one that does a normal calendar year.  So as I was working on the second half of this year, I was working on this calendar too.  For some reason, I thought I’d done the whole thing except for artwork.  I then forgot all about it in the joys, sorrows and plain hard work that is lifestyle farming without all the gadgets.
A customer contacted me towards the end of April to ask if there was another one coming.  It was quite the wake-up call and one that I’m grateful for.  At the time, my sow had given birth to her first litter of piglets and then abandoned them, I was fighting to keep them going and ended up with just one (who is still living in my bathroom 3 months later).  My son had been living at his father’s which had just turned to complete custard and I took him back via the CYFS system (a long and convoluted story - needless to say, I have a young man on the autism spectrum who was hurt and angry at the world and those who were supposed to be looking after him).
Luana got on to Stacey, our artist who is now living in Canada with the new love of her life to get the artwork under way and I found I still had six months worth of astrological and moon information to calculate and input, a years worth of feasts and holidays to research and enter and then go through everything to double check and make it tidy. 
Customers started to order and some began to pay even though I’d let them know it wasn’t ready yet.  I got all of my part done, I received the artwork (which as always is stunning) and placed all of that.  I just didn’t have cover art.  I emailed Stacey and waited.
I sent her a message a couple of weeks later, she hadn’t received the email.  Then halfway through July, I said something to Luana, who got busy and created something wonderful from photos and bits that we had from previous works.  This was the one thing that I had the least control of, it took the longest to get sorted and meanwhile, I’m being contacted by the customers who’ve paid to politely ask if I’d received their payment (in other words - “where’s my fucking calendar?”)

During this period of three months, my son has attempted suicide four times.  Two were serious enough to require hospitalisation and a lot of to-ing and fro-ing from Christchurch to visit him and meet with various professionals.  He’s finally getting decent help from the mental health system, which I am eternally grateful for. But it’s been a hard road.
He’s slipped through the cracks, being diagnosed as “just behavioural” for most of his life.  I’ve had Psychiatrists that I didn’t feel took anything we said seriously and as he didn’t relate to them at all it was a total waste of time and energy.  We now have people who pick up that he’s on the Autism spectrum from a 20 minute chat with him.  We now have people that he can relate to and don’t just dismiss him as a difficult attention seeker with a lousy mother.

The first hospital stay was at the start of June.  I trucked along, staying strong for him and the rest of my family.  I expected I’d have a meltdown, but it never happened.  There have been moments that no mother should ever have to endure.
He chose to overdose on paracetamol.  Many people still believe paracetamol to be harmless, but it’s not.  A small overdose isn’t an issue it’s true.  But taking 45 500mg tablets can be fatal if not treated very quickly.  Paracetamol, in large doses like this one will cause liver failure.  If it gets to that stage, there is nothing that can be done for you.  All the best doctors and hospital staff can do is make you comfortable while they watch you die.  If it’s caught in time, however, there is an antidote that flushes it out of your system before it affects your liver.  It’s just not particularly pleasant while it’s doing it’s thing.

When I first got a text from his friend to tell me he’d taken this much, I checked and found the empty cards and rang an ambulance.  Part of me didn’t really believe he’d taken them all, I thought he may have flushed them down the loo and was being dramatic, but I couldn’t take the chance.  Having the blood test results come back to me and tell me that he did in fact take that volume and had truly intended to die (he didn’t know there was an antidote at that point) was one of the most awful moments for a mother to face.  Sitting at his bedside while he slept (and occasionally vomited) on my own in the Emergency Department at the hospital at 2am didn’t make it any better.
I spent that week at a friends place in town, being close enough to come and go from the hospital and youth inpatient ward and not needing to worry about looking after my seven year old daughter or run around after my husband.  It was great that my friend looked after me, made sure I ate and that I got enough sleep and space, but it made coming home harder.  I wanted to be able to just let go - it was all over and I could have my meltdown, except I couldn’t.  My daughter also needed me - she didn’t know exactly what had happened, only that her brother was sick and nearly died - and my husband needed me.

This time, as in, I brought him home from hospital yesterday, he sent a goodbye text out to a lot of people.  While I was waiting for the ambulance to arrive, I received calls from the School counsellors from two different schools who’d had students come to them in a panic.  I received frantic calls from his youth group leader and my ex-husband.  I’d been in a meeting when I’d received the text (which I wouldn’t normally look at straight away, but did this time).  I’ve had people out the wazoo offering help and support and I’m grateful for it.  But.  Sometimes all the offers feel like another burden.  I truly am grateful for all the people thinking of us and offering to help, but I’m sick of my phone constantly going off with yet another call or text message. In a way I almost feel that not to take up these offers is to seem ungrateful for them, like it’s rude of me to not need these people to do something for me.  I hadn’t told a few people that I probably should have just because I don’t want to have to deal with any more of this.  I also just don't know how to tell some people without sounding as though I'm fishing for sympathy or something.

I haven’t coped quite so well this time.  I’ve had some pretty dark moments and thoughts that would horrify you if I shared them.  Then I feel shocked about them and feel guilty and a lot of self-loathing.  I’m scared for my son, I’m worried about my youngest daughter - she’s not stupid and is asking questions that I don’t know how to answer.  I’m worried that with all the evasion about why or how he’s sick, she’s going to start thinking that an apparently well person can very suddenly get sick enough to nearly die.

I’m tired of being everyone’s rock.  I’m tired of needing to be strong for everyone else.  I’m tired of being someone that others depend upon so much. I’m worn out.  I have animals that are being neglected because I just don’t have the energy to be caring for them too and I have no one else to rely on.  I could call on some people to help, but they’re not going to be up for feeding out hay on a daily basis (and this is a wheelbarrow load of hay per cattle beast) so therefore, nine trips up and down my farm.  The friends that have been supportive are starting to tell me what I should do.  That’s not actually helpful, in fact, it’s pissed me off.  Which starts up another round of guilt and shit.  My mother seems almost hurt by the fact that last time I didn’t go and stay with them. I just don’t need that.

In this time, I also paid the publishing company for my book, I sent the manuscript to Luana for proof-reading and editing.  I appreciate that she’s doing this as a favour, in her spare time around her busy life.  I want it finished, but don’t want to hassle her about it.  The fact that it’s taking so long makes me doubt that what I’ve written is any good.  She keeps telling me that it’s great, but I’ve written this one the way I talk, which doesn’t work so well in a book.  I’ve received daily and weekly calls from my publishing consultant asking where my manuscript is.  It’s great that they don’t just take the money and vanish - this is one of the reasons that I chose to go with XLibris after all - but when I’m in the midst of dealing with other crises it felt like just another burden, another person needing something from me that I wasn’t able to provide.  Then my husband starting hassling me.  So what’s happening with the book?  It’s been months, we could have been earning interest on that money, why did we pay it back then when you weren’t ready for it?  Because the money would have been needed for something else, fence posts, pig feed, the power bill, something.  And I would have been sitting here not doing it again.

So anyway.  The calendar is at the printers.  I hope to have it available to send out very shortly.  And then I think I’m going to hide from the world for a while, lick my wounds and try to recover from all of this.

Blessings until I re-emerge.

Debbie

Cauldrons PaganFest 2014

We're all go!

We are returning to Journey's End, the venue for our first festival in 2009.  It is a little more primitive than Eyre Lodge where we held the two in between, but it's half the price, the managers are actually sensible and even respond to communications (without trying to say it must be a fault with MY email) and it is by far a more beautiful setting, with no concerns about having sheep wander into ritual space.

Houngan Liam (Papresse Soulage Minfo Edeyo Bon Hougan) with Hounfo Racine Deesse Dereeyale - the only traditional Haitian Vodou society in the Australasian region will be presenting our Saturday night ritual, as well as an Ancestor Workshop and a Vodou 101 talk.  More information about them can be found on their website - KiwiMojo

Why Vodou this year?  I hear a lot of comments regarding Vodou, usually suggesting that it's something dark and evil.  I know this to be untrue, but in New Zealand there is so little exposure to Vodou, there are few opportunities for us to learn the true nature of this beautiful and rich tradition. I became friends on Facebook with Houngan Liam and thought I'd offer the chance for more people in New Zealand to become aware of what it truly entails, to experience the richness of the religion and to  have any questions answered by Houngan who really know what they're talking about.

Many of you were asking about the PaganFest last year and it's true, we did skip a year.  This is because I got married and one big event to plan in a year was quite enough thankyouverymuch.  Although, after three Pagan Festivals, a wedding was easy.

For more information, check out our website and join our facebook page where there are already discussions about transport and car pooling going on.

Cauldrons 2012 Calendar

As has been mentioned repeatedly on other blog posts and on our facebook page, we've both had a drama filled year so far.  Something had to be put aside for a while and unfortunately it was the calendar.

So, not to let anyone miss out on anything, we moved it to start just after Yule.  July 1st 2012 and running to June 30th 2013.  (Because starting it with a week left in a month was just silly).

We think this one is our best yet, although I'm fairly sure we say that every year :)

The very talented Naniskakonindjin AKA Stacey Austin has kindly honoured us with her beautiful artwork and I personally believe that this is what has made this calendar seem like our most polished yet.

Most years, we've ended up with a huge debt and a stack of unsold calendars so last year I decided to only print what I had pre-orders for (plus maybe 10 extra).  That was hugely successful and I did it again this year.  So, there are only a very few left (less than 10) although they may still be available from Cauldron Craft in Devonport, Energy Central in Taupo, Paint Tech in Hamilton (where our wonderful artist may be found), Vesta's Circle in Napier or Candles & Things in Huntly.

We hope that you like it as much as we do!

Cauldrons Is On The Move!

As many of you know, Luana is now living in Sydney. I keep making jokes about her opening the Australia branch of Cauldrons, but I don't think she finds it funny. Or rather she finds it very funny and then changes the subject :)

What some of you may know, is that I'm on the move too now. My family and I are moving to North Canterbury where the ground doesn't shake with every passing car and we won't get woken up during the night by 2.8 magnitude aftershocks.

We're moving to a 14 acre lifestyle block where we can follow a dream of being mostly self-sufficient. I may blog about our successes and failures if anyone is interested. The added bonus is that I will be able to grow more of the herbs that Cauldrons offers, and continue to keep the prices reasonable. Many don't realise just how much of our herbs range is grown by me, but now, that should increase.

What The Move Means for Cauldrons

This move means that pickups and the shop will not be quite so easy. Pickups will still be welcome for those who wish to make the trip to Amberley, but I don't know if or when we'll get a shop sorted. Otherwise, everything should remain just as normal. Luana will still look after most of the internet based stuff, and I'll still be able to pack up and post or courier orders out.

There is going to be a period of about 2-3 weeks when Cauldrons will be closed. From May 21st to approximately 7th June I'm not sure if I'll have internet access, so any orders placed during this time will not be processed until after this date. I will make the date clear when I have more information myself. This will be made clear on the website, and there will be no refunds for those who still order in this period unless we are out of stock on an item. When the February Earthquake struck, I had several orders sitting on the deck waiting for courier pick up. Most were happy to wait until I got electricity (and therefore computer and email access) up and running again, but there were a few who demanded a refund, and even one who then went on to post negative feedback on Trade Me. (I guess there's always got to be one!) I don't want a repeat of this, so I want to make this clear before it happens.

I will still try to make it to the Expos and will try to keep the Coffee Meets running. I will be at the Holistic Expo on May 21st with both the stall and doing readings. Burwood Scout Hall on Travis Road in Burwood, and the $2 entry fee will be going towards the Rise Up Christchurch Telethon on the 22nd of May. We will also be carrying fundraising T-shirts that say "E tu, Kia Kaha Christchurch" printed by Blox Apparel, with proceeds going to the Earthquake fund. Come along and say hello!

Open Sabbat Celebrations

Every so often I like to hold an open Sabbat, this will most likely continue. I'm planning a great Winter Solstice for those who wish to come along. I still need to go and find out about getting a permit for a bonfire. It will mean though, that it's probably a better idea for those who come along to stay the night, and we'll make room for this. Those who are interested in joining us can email me on debbie@cauldrons.co.nz for more information.

Cauldrons PaganFest

This will still go ahead as planned. I'm having a few minor issues with the venue, but hope to have them all ironed out soon and we'll start promoting it in the near future.

The Samhain 2011 - 2012 Calendar is on its way

As Debbie puts the final touches on our 2011-2012 Samhain Calendar I thought I'd take the opportunity to blog about it.   This is our fifth Pagan calendar and each year it seems to get just a little bit easier.  Debbie is such a pro at formatting the calendar now.  What sometimes takes the longest is deciding the theme for each calendar.  Once we've sorted that then it's onto the artwork.   What do we want our artwork to be of or look like?  Is it something we need to set up a lot of costumes and models for as well as hooking up a photographer?

This time we decided to focus on the moon so we enlisted the help of our very talented friend Steve Buller who spent a few months taking photos of the moon for us.  Thanks Steve :)

After the decision on artwork is done Debbie and I take different roles.  She has the technical and often times (especially when I make last minute requests) finicky job of formatting the calendar and doing all the astrology calculations.  All the wonderful work that makes the calendar actually become a calendar is at her hand.  In addition, she adds the festival days and researches what holidays/festivals/feast days fall when from as many different paths as she can find.

My job is to write the content for the calendar.  The blurbs that are found under the photos, the tiny tidbits of information that can be found scattered throughout, like the monthly moon myths we have, are my domain.  To be honest, I think I got the easy job.  And I'm not giving it up lol.

The calendar is usually done much earlier than this, but due to unfortunate circumstances, in the form of a rumbling earth, we're a little behind schedule, but that can't be helped.

Once I've finished here I'll update the website to show the upcoming release of the calendar and to enable pre-orders.  

Looking at the calendar file from Debbie while I was helping to proof it, I realised that there are a large number of festivals and feast days that I have no knowledge of.  So it has inspired me to spend this coming year looking into each of the festival and feast days that are featured and blogging about them.  This will get interesting, as I've noticed that some days are quite busy lol.