My Top 20 Pagan Sayings Peeves

Okay, so in my previous post I made mention that there were little pearls of ‘wisdom’ that many self-proclaimed ‘Real’ Witches like to share. Mixed in with common threads and things they seem to say. Here are a few of my favourites, with my attitude towards them.

Please bear in mind, this is my attitude, it might not match yours, I may even offend you. Awesome. Maybe it will make you think about some of the things you say, even if they didn’t make it onto my shit list.

1. We're all about balance - but won't even discuss anything dark. That’s not being “about balance” that’s kidding yourself that you’ve got a clue.
2. If your intentions are pure then that's the best you can do - how about some research you idiot. If you cock up, own it and learn from it, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
   
3. It's in the hands of the Gods - are you a witch taking personal responsibility or a child wanting to be rescued from your own actions? Do you still need someone else to blame?
   
4. I'm constantly under psychic attack/cursed/bound - I'm not even going to touch that one right now. I think a profanity filter may be necessary for when I do.
   
5. We are traditionalists and will celebrate the Winter Solstice on the 21st of December every year - even though we're in New Zealand, it's the middle of bloody summer and the Solstice is in fact an astrological event that moves every year. Twat. What did you think this whole thing is about? Try being aware of what is actually happening around you.
   
6. In the old days, a witch was a peaceful woman (but often mysterious and beautiful), who learned her knowledge from her mother and grandmother and would go peacefully and secretly into the forest to gather her peaceful secret herbs and make her peaceful secret potions for all those wonderful but ignorant other peasants who came to her peacefully and secretly for her help - I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.
   
7. Wicca means "wise" so witchcraft is the craft of the wise - again, how about some actual research.
   
8. You must follow the Rede/the Rede says... - the Rede is Wiccan and not universal, the word Rede means 'advice' not Law-That-Must-Be-Followed and the Rede is really some lovely poetry written 60 odd years ago to make Wicca seem acceptable to the masses.
   
9. A Real Witch is vegan/vegetarian/one of those nutters who claim to exist purely on light but get caught on camera leaving Maccas with a Quarter Pounder Combo - Harm None includes yourself (for those who quote the Rede as their reason). I don't absorb iron easily from non-haem (not meat) sources, my body is not made that way. If I don't eat meat I will get very sick. I won't be much use as a witch or anything else if I'm not eating meat. If that's what suits you, awesome, do it, but don't bother telling me I have to conform to your ideals.
   
10. You must have all the right tools/jewellery/clothing/cloak/material masturba... err, props - what a load of shite, you're born with all the tools you need. It's fun to have the rest, and can make learning easier, but it's all window-dressing in the end.
11. I've got 10/30/400 years experience - and? Seriously, what's your point? What have you done with all those years of 'experience'? Why do you think I should care? How does that make you any better than an honest learner or seeker? Or as a friend says is it 10 years or the same 2 years repeated 5 times?
12. My Grandmother was a witch/psychic/deep-trance medium/tea leaf reader/navel gazer so therefore I know all about it – cool for her. So what did she actually teach you? Was she a good one? And in all honesty, if she was any good she would have told you to keep learning as much as you can from everyone you can. She wouldn’t have claimed to know it all so why do you?
13. This psychic I went to told me that I’m such a powerful witch, and I was a witch in a past life and I got burned at the stake an’ everything – fuck off! There are a lot of dreadful psychics who will tell you anything you want to hear. If you are foolish and gullible enough to fall for this type of crap, please, keep playing with your powerful magic, see how you go... (evil laugh)
14. Anything at all about the Burning Times having any kind of link or relationship with modern witchcraft – enough truth and reality has been published about this subject. If you are still silly enough to play this kind of card, I may tie you to a stake myself. See also Salem Witch Trials.
15. The Patriarchy has demonised this Goddess/old Pagan Traditions/life the universe and everything – cos it was all so nice and peaceful and sweet right? Stop looking for something to blame and get your knickers in a twist about. Even if it was true (that whatever had been demonised I mean, which is doubtful in many cited cases), what do you really think your little piece of righteous anger will achieve? Do you think you can smite history? And now you’re demonising the Patriarchy, hypocrite.
16. Wicca is the original Pagan Religion that has been around for over 8000 years - seriously, I got that in an email once. I laughed so hard I snorted my coffee all over my screen. Someone I used to know wanted a bumper sticker made that said “Wicca: Pretending to be an ancient religion since 1951”. I also upset a couple of young fluffies at an expo when they thought they had the right audience to start talking about how ancient Wicca was and blah blah blah. They didn’t really like it when I stopped them and told them they were talking shit. It may have been inspired by something older, but Wicca as it is now was created by Gerald Gardner in the 1950s.
17. Wicca and witchcraft are the same thing, Wiccans are witches and all witches are Wiccans – no, they’re not, we’re not and both sides are offended by this.
18. All modern uses of the word witchcraft mean what we do/all witchcraft is nice, and caring and life-affirming – again, fuck off. Really, I mean it. I’m not always nice, caring or life-affirming much less all three in one go. See my previous post. And when they talk about witchcraft in Africa, a lot of what they mean is the really nasty often evil stuff that is performed by the witch-doctors. They are not nice, or happy fluffy people who dance around under the full moon. They curse, hex and sometimes even murder people (and often sacrifice cute small fluffy animals). And it still falls under the heading of witchcraft. You know, some of the news articles about these folks being on trial for it or lynched by locals for it are actually nice good human interest pieces not reasons to be offended.
19. We have nothing to do with/are better than Masons/Vodou/Satanists/Christians – speak for yourself sunshine. This is nothing more than needing someone else to look down on. If you tried looking for similarities instead of differences you might be surprised. And when you follow this up with a bleat about being discriminated against based on your beliefs, that makes you a hypocrite all over again.
20. Pagans/Witches/Wiccans are more accepting and open-minded, we don’t judge – yes we do. Look up – how often have you heard the previous quote from the same person? We just kid ourselves about it more. We’re still people, with all the same faults people have, and all the same traits. This is trying to feel more special/better than/superior to non-pagans.

I think I need to stop there. I could go on all day, I’ve just spent a weekend at a big Spiritual Expo after all, I always hear this kind of crap throughout these weekends. And worse. And there is better, there are some really wonderful down to earth people out there and I thank them for keeping me sane.