Most of us like to donate something to Charities where we can and when we can. With Christmas fast approaching it's something that's very much talked about.
This week, a Maori Women's Refuge Charity - The Aunties - spoke out asking that people don't give them tinned tomatoes, chickpeas or lentils.
In an article on Stuff, they explained that they have pantries filled with tinned tomatoes and nothing else and that is not useful to a woman with young children who have just arrived, ripped out of their home, traumatised and grieving.
They point out how much better it is to find out what a charity actually needs and that most publish wish lists that are easily found.
This has led to a sadly predictable uproar. Many people are offended at their pickiness, saying things like "beggars can't be choosers" and "I can make a decent meal out of tinned tomatoes along with x, y and z, why can't you?" and "If you can be picky you're not that needy". Many commenters have sworn off ever donating to Women's Refuge ever again.
I believe this is missing the point. Actually, it's missing several.
Yes, tinned tomatoes are useful and many people (myself included) would go through at least a tin a week. But not on their own. They need meat and onions and herbs to make a bolognese, they need other veges to make a curry, they need bread to go on toast. The article said the pantries were filled with tinned tomatoes and nothing else. The problem is that they have plenty and need the other stuff to make the meals with. Giving them recipes and teaching them how to cook with tinned tomatoes isn't going to make the other necessary ingredients magically appear.
Donating to charities, giving to those in need is supposed to be about what they need not about what you think they should have. It's also supposed to be about compassion for their circumstances not about judging them for not needing what you think they should have.
Donating to charities isn't about you. Feeling good about having helped is supposed to be a side effect. Having your feelings hurt because a charity has asked you not to give something says more about you than it does about that charity. And it says nothing good.
Have a little empathy. This is a Women's Refuge. This is a place where women arrive in the middle of the night with usually small children in tow. They've often just had the crap beaten out of them, they're emotionally drained, they're in shock with a side order of terror because they've finally done something to get them out of that position and they're afraid it won't last or things will get worse because of it and they're trying to keep themselves together for the equally traumatised children. Try putting yourself into that place, try imagining the complete shock and trauma they are going through. Now imagine trying to function well enough to whip up a delicious middle class healthy meal. If you tell me you could do it, I'm going to call you a liar.
It's not as though it's a family at home who are having some rough times and need a food parcel to help them out this week because money's tight and they can't afford to feed their children. This is a totally different situation and unless you've actually been there, you are in no position to judge what they need.
I think everyone's first reaction was to be a little offended. "What do you mean my donation isn't good enough?" In most of my friends, I'm glad to say, they took a step back and examined why they were offended and were good enough people to own it and accept that they were wrong. It's a shame that more people aren't like them.
Blessings
Debbie
Friday, 15 December 2017
What Makes An Elder?
Elder is a term that gets thrown around a lot. I believe it's a misunderstood and misused word probably 90% of the time. Or perhaps it has too many meanings.
From Dictionary.com
adjective, a compar. of old with eldest as superl.
1. of greater age; older.
2. of higher rank; senior: an elder officer.
3. of or relating to former times; earlier:
Much that was forbidden by elder custom is accepted today.
noun
4. a person who is older or higher in rank than oneself.
5. an aged person.
6. an influential member of a tribe or community, often a chief or ruler; a superior.
7. a presbyter.
8. (in certain Protestant churches) a lay member who is a governing officer, often assisting the pastor in services.
9. Mormon Church. A member of the Melchizedek priesthood.
Okay, so perhaps there are too many meanings for it to be used in a meaningful way. Maybe if we look at it in context.
In the case of the Pagan Community, an elder usually fits meaning number 6 best. An influential member of a tribe or community, often a chief or ruler; a superior. It can fit the 'higher in rank' definition too. Personally, I think it is a combination of these definitions.
An Elder is an older, wiser, experienced member of the community. Someone who can guide and advise. It is a position of respect not one of power, although it is a powerful position in a different sense - influence rather than authority.
Simply being older means next to nothing. Plenty of people come to Paganism later in their lives. Age does not equal experience, knowledge or wisdom. Quite frankly, in our modern times, it doesn't take any great skill to live a reasonably long and healthy life. It's what you've done with that life that counts.
Elder is a term of respect and like respect it is earned.
In some traditions there are criteria to be met before the title of Elder can be conferred. Make no mistake, it is a title and not just a description. It is also a title that is given by the community served by that person and not something you can claim for yourself.
Common requirements are things like having had a leadership role in your community for a reasonable period of time. A Wiccan Elder, as an example, must have attained third degree and led their coven for several years. However, alone, this is not enough in most cases.
Coven experience needs to be balanced with life experience. Someone young, while they might be already wise or an 'old soul' is not going to have the range of experience to provide useful advice or guidance. They haven't had the opportunity to see the long term effects of simple actions.
Some traditions have Eldering ceremonies - Croning and Saging. Usually your second Saturn return is the first criteria for these titles - which puts you roughly mid to late 50s. Although I have heard of events where anyone who had been part of the community for more than 5 years was declared an Elder and given an Eldering ceremony, such ceremonies and claims seem to be treated mostly with the contempt they deserve.
In other traditions, anyone who wants the title is deemed to be unworthy of it. True Elders fight against the title as long and as hard as they are able. They don't want to be put on a pedestal and treated like some precious object, they still want to be in the thick of things, doing important work and creating change.
Degrees and ordinations do not necessarily make an Elder. I know of one lady who claims she has a Masters degree in Wicca. She clearly knows very little about actual Wicca and is a fount of eclectic neo-Wicca cliches and misrepresentations. I found where she got her 'Masters' from - The Universal Life Church - for $32.99 you get sent a copy of Scott Cunningham's Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner, a certificate, a bumper sticker and a clergy badge. Or for $13.99 you can buy the certificate alone. There is no study, no tests, no standards to meet and nothing to prove you've done anything more than click a link and enter your credit card details.
Founding a group, on it's own, does not make an Elder. I've personally experienced several groups and organisations (even charitable ones) that have been founded by people hoping to be called Elders, if not now then some day soon. Some may have been created to provide a service to the community, intentions may have been good, but personalities, ego and self-importance make it clear that the good of the community is not the first priority, or that the service being provided is not necessarily needed or wanted by the community.
This becomes worse when the group's name states or implies some sort of overseeing council that speaks for all. American Council of Witches leaps to mind. There have been several attempts to relaunch the 1973 Council whose only achievement was to publish The 13 Principles of Belief before disbanding. Most of these attempts appear to be people who are hoping for their 15 minutes of glory or to impose their own narrow worldview on everyone else. The Council gets filled with people no one has ever heard of, adding their cronies and sycophants. A few years ago, someone named a couple of genuine American Elders as Council members, but without their knowledge or consent and those Elders publicly distanced themselves from it.
There are some wonderful groups out there, doing some wonderful work for the wider community and they do contain some genuine Elders. However, the obvious difference is that those groups work to support and help their communities, quietly in the background. They don't try to speak for them, or force them into a cubbyhole of their own values or throw public tantrums when questioned or challenged in any way. The organisations have had changes of leadership and continued going strong. Their purpose is to serve the community, not their leaders.
Like other titles, Elder has little to no meaning outside of the community being served. In a recent storm in a teacup, a local chap who is largely unheard of even in our tiny community, claimed to be a Pagan Elder and made a statement to the press that upset and offended many in the local community. Five minutes research showed that he might be perhaps a Heathen Elder, although given his age and time in the community, I question that too - however, that's not my community so my opinion rightfully means nothing. Given that most Heathens distance themselves from Pagans and vice versa, how is a Heathen Elder able to claim Pagan Eldership? He founded a group which does provide service to their community. Great work. I'm all for that kind of thing. But as explained above, that alone does not make an Elder and neither does his claiming of the title. Then I noticed in his online group, anyone he promotes to an admin he also grants the title of Elder. Given that one of his groups "Elders" was openly brand new and asking for advice on Beginner's books only two or three years ago, I am horrified.
Being famous or a Big Name Pagan does not automatically make one an Elder, although this is probably the most common way Elders do get named. Some deserve it and their on-going service to the wider community is how they became famous. Others are narcissistic drama queens who seem to believe that any publicity is good publicity when in reality they are harming their wider community more than helping it. There are also demagogues who seem to believe that likes and followers equal proof of how right they are. BNPs can become a cult of personality rather than a positive resource for their community.
So when trying to define an Elder, I find myself thinking of the older folk who have been in the community for a long time. They have seen groups and individuals rise and fall. They have seen the community go through many changes and shifts. Their work may not be obvious or well-known but their experience shines through. They will be the ones who challenge you and sometimes make you uncomfortable or hurt your feelings when they do, but when asked the right way will offer up useful advice - even if it's not what you want to hear at the time. They demand that you own your shit and you can see that they do the same. They will judge, be brutally blunt and direct and sometimes give you more chances than you deserve. They make mistakes and they own them. They don't need anyone else to apologise for them and they won't apologise for anyone else. They accept, even invite, being questioned and challenged because they understand that you never stop learning and at no point does anyone know it all. They don't expect you to follow their advice as gospel, they are not offended if you choose a different option and they won't get pissy and refuse advice next time. They expect you to take it all on board and think for yourself.
I do have a group of wonderful people like this. If I told them I was talking about them as Elders, I dare say I'd be slapped into next week. But they are who I go to for advice. I respect their experience and honour the hard roads most have walked to where they are now.
In doing some research for this blog, I found that I'm not alone in questioning this. The Wild Hunt asked several well-known people in the wider Pagan community the same question. The comments page also raised some valid thoughts and experiences. Some of which I have used in this blog.
Interestingly, I also found this piece by Shauna Aura Knight which goes into the next step of Pagan Elders. Accepted Elders who have become abusive and what can we do about them.
Blessings
Debbie
From Dictionary.com
adjective, a compar. of old with eldest as superl.
1. of greater age; older.
2. of higher rank; senior: an elder officer.
3. of or relating to former times; earlier:
Much that was forbidden by elder custom is accepted today.
noun
4. a person who is older or higher in rank than oneself.
5. an aged person.
6. an influential member of a tribe or community, often a chief or ruler; a superior.
7. a presbyter.
8. (in certain Protestant churches) a lay member who is a governing officer, often assisting the pastor in services.
9. Mormon Church. A member of the Melchizedek priesthood.
Okay, so perhaps there are too many meanings for it to be used in a meaningful way. Maybe if we look at it in context.
In the case of the Pagan Community, an elder usually fits meaning number 6 best. An influential member of a tribe or community, often a chief or ruler; a superior. It can fit the 'higher in rank' definition too. Personally, I think it is a combination of these definitions.
An Elder is an older, wiser, experienced member of the community. Someone who can guide and advise. It is a position of respect not one of power, although it is a powerful position in a different sense - influence rather than authority.
Simply being older means next to nothing. Plenty of people come to Paganism later in their lives. Age does not equal experience, knowledge or wisdom. Quite frankly, in our modern times, it doesn't take any great skill to live a reasonably long and healthy life. It's what you've done with that life that counts.
Elder is a term of respect and like respect it is earned.
In some traditions there are criteria to be met before the title of Elder can be conferred. Make no mistake, it is a title and not just a description. It is also a title that is given by the community served by that person and not something you can claim for yourself.
Common requirements are things like having had a leadership role in your community for a reasonable period of time. A Wiccan Elder, as an example, must have attained third degree and led their coven for several years. However, alone, this is not enough in most cases.
Coven experience needs to be balanced with life experience. Someone young, while they might be already wise or an 'old soul' is not going to have the range of experience to provide useful advice or guidance. They haven't had the opportunity to see the long term effects of simple actions.
Some traditions have Eldering ceremonies - Croning and Saging. Usually your second Saturn return is the first criteria for these titles - which puts you roughly mid to late 50s. Although I have heard of events where anyone who had been part of the community for more than 5 years was declared an Elder and given an Eldering ceremony, such ceremonies and claims seem to be treated mostly with the contempt they deserve.
In other traditions, anyone who wants the title is deemed to be unworthy of it. True Elders fight against the title as long and as hard as they are able. They don't want to be put on a pedestal and treated like some precious object, they still want to be in the thick of things, doing important work and creating change.
Degrees and ordinations do not necessarily make an Elder. I know of one lady who claims she has a Masters degree in Wicca. She clearly knows very little about actual Wicca and is a fount of eclectic neo-Wicca cliches and misrepresentations. I found where she got her 'Masters' from - The Universal Life Church - for $32.99 you get sent a copy of Scott Cunningham's Wicca: A Guide for the Solitary Practitioner, a certificate, a bumper sticker and a clergy badge. Or for $13.99 you can buy the certificate alone. There is no study, no tests, no standards to meet and nothing to prove you've done anything more than click a link and enter your credit card details.
Founding a group, on it's own, does not make an Elder. I've personally experienced several groups and organisations (even charitable ones) that have been founded by people hoping to be called Elders, if not now then some day soon. Some may have been created to provide a service to the community, intentions may have been good, but personalities, ego and self-importance make it clear that the good of the community is not the first priority, or that the service being provided is not necessarily needed or wanted by the community.
This becomes worse when the group's name states or implies some sort of overseeing council that speaks for all. American Council of Witches leaps to mind. There have been several attempts to relaunch the 1973 Council whose only achievement was to publish The 13 Principles of Belief before disbanding. Most of these attempts appear to be people who are hoping for their 15 minutes of glory or to impose their own narrow worldview on everyone else. The Council gets filled with people no one has ever heard of, adding their cronies and sycophants. A few years ago, someone named a couple of genuine American Elders as Council members, but without their knowledge or consent and those Elders publicly distanced themselves from it.
There are some wonderful groups out there, doing some wonderful work for the wider community and they do contain some genuine Elders. However, the obvious difference is that those groups work to support and help their communities, quietly in the background. They don't try to speak for them, or force them into a cubbyhole of their own values or throw public tantrums when questioned or challenged in any way. The organisations have had changes of leadership and continued going strong. Their purpose is to serve the community, not their leaders.
Like other titles, Elder has little to no meaning outside of the community being served. In a recent storm in a teacup, a local chap who is largely unheard of even in our tiny community, claimed to be a Pagan Elder and made a statement to the press that upset and offended many in the local community. Five minutes research showed that he might be perhaps a Heathen Elder, although given his age and time in the community, I question that too - however, that's not my community so my opinion rightfully means nothing. Given that most Heathens distance themselves from Pagans and vice versa, how is a Heathen Elder able to claim Pagan Eldership? He founded a group which does provide service to their community. Great work. I'm all for that kind of thing. But as explained above, that alone does not make an Elder and neither does his claiming of the title. Then I noticed in his online group, anyone he promotes to an admin he also grants the title of Elder. Given that one of his groups "Elders" was openly brand new and asking for advice on Beginner's books only two or three years ago, I am horrified.
Being famous or a Big Name Pagan does not automatically make one an Elder, although this is probably the most common way Elders do get named. Some deserve it and their on-going service to the wider community is how they became famous. Others are narcissistic drama queens who seem to believe that any publicity is good publicity when in reality they are harming their wider community more than helping it. There are also demagogues who seem to believe that likes and followers equal proof of how right they are. BNPs can become a cult of personality rather than a positive resource for their community.
So when trying to define an Elder, I find myself thinking of the older folk who have been in the community for a long time. They have seen groups and individuals rise and fall. They have seen the community go through many changes and shifts. Their work may not be obvious or well-known but their experience shines through. They will be the ones who challenge you and sometimes make you uncomfortable or hurt your feelings when they do, but when asked the right way will offer up useful advice - even if it's not what you want to hear at the time. They demand that you own your shit and you can see that they do the same. They will judge, be brutally blunt and direct and sometimes give you more chances than you deserve. They make mistakes and they own them. They don't need anyone else to apologise for them and they won't apologise for anyone else. They accept, even invite, being questioned and challenged because they understand that you never stop learning and at no point does anyone know it all. They don't expect you to follow their advice as gospel, they are not offended if you choose a different option and they won't get pissy and refuse advice next time. They expect you to take it all on board and think for yourself.
I do have a group of wonderful people like this. If I told them I was talking about them as Elders, I dare say I'd be slapped into next week. But they are who I go to for advice. I respect their experience and honour the hard roads most have walked to where they are now.
In doing some research for this blog, I found that I'm not alone in questioning this. The Wild Hunt asked several well-known people in the wider Pagan community the same question. The comments page also raised some valid thoughts and experiences. Some of which I have used in this blog.
Interestingly, I also found this piece by Shauna Aura Knight which goes into the next step of Pagan Elders. Accepted Elders who have become abusive and what can we do about them.
Blessings
Debbie
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