Self-examination and Doubt

Every so often, I get to wondering about the magic I have performed.

I wonder if the results I have gotten are real.  Rather, I wonder if my actions and spells worked have had any effect at all to achieve the results that have occurred.  I wonder if the ending would have been the same whether I did anything or not.  Do I do these things as a way to fool myself that I'm actually doing anything useful?  Am I using confirmation bias to justify the things I do?

Then I wonder if the results happen the way I wanted them, does it matter?

I am a firm believer in brutal self-honesty.  I believe most magical journeys will include some aspect of this if the practitioner is to grow as a person, to be fair, most life journeys need this if anyone is to grow as a person.

The times when we look back over past events and ask ourselves how we could have done things differently, take responsibility for the times when we cast ourselves in the role of victim instead of perpetrator and the times when we realise that perhaps our own poor choices led us up that sorry path to an unpleasant event in our lives.  Equally, it is important to recognise when things weren't your fault, when there was nothing useful you could have done and to forgive yourself for what you think you should have done but didn't.

There seems to be a popular idea that you should just let everything go, forget about it and move on.  I dislike this concept intensely.  It gives no closure, it gives no opportunity to learn from your mistakes or even to recognise that you made them and it gives no chance for you to grow into a better you.

The down side to doing this kind of work on yourself is that it can lead to doubts.  Doubt in your abilities, doubt in your sense of self-worth and doubt in everything about yourself.  As I started this talking about magic, let's also add doubt in your ability to create change in the world and perform successful magic.

Doubt is the magic killer.

Like the Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear from the Dune series by Frank Herbert, doubt is destruction.  For those unfamiliar with this classic work of science fiction:

I must not fear.  Fear is the mind-killer.  Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.  I will face my fear.  I will permit it to pass over me and through me.  And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.  Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.  Only I will remain.

As an affirmation or mantra, this is not particularly useful.  Fear is the main concept focused on and emphasised and this will build fear.  So I'm not suggesting that this be reworded to use doubt instead of fear.  But the way fear is talked about in this quote is useful for discussion purposes.

Doubt is the magic killer.  Doubt eats at your confidence to achieve results, doubt eats away at your purpose until the suggestions doubt makes replace your purpose.  This isn't usually a conscious thing, this is the "what ifs" taking over.  Doubt is failure.  Facing your doubts and freeing yourself from doubts isn't necessarily as easy as allowing them to pass over and through you.

When I have a bout of self-examination and exploring past events I usually focus on the things that went wrong.  The catastrophic and painful.  I often forget about or gloss over my successes.  This is where doubt is able to creep in.

Look equally at what went well.  What do you think you did that made this event a success?  How can you build that into more successes?  Can you reasonably expect that to work again or will it need some tweaking to continue the momentum?

They don't have to be big successes.  Some will seem like small ones until you weigh up what the opposite effect would have been.  Any success is as valuable and equally a learning opportunity just as much as a mistake would have been.

So when I'm in my "what if all my magic is me using superstition to fool myself that I make a difference" headspace, I remember the time that every car in my street was broken into and siphoned for petrol except mine, which I'd foolishly left unlocked in my driveway overnight.  I remember when a stalker suddenly seemed to forget about me altogether.  I remember when a friend's father who was not expected to last the week surprised the medical staff in the hospital by getting well and is still going strong months later.

It genuinely might be purely coincidence, I accept that.  But I got the results I wanted so does it matter?

Blessings



Debbie